


Kittens, pills and biting ducks

by Clytia



Series: Hunting wild ducks series [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, College, Comedy, Fluff, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 12:46:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7574533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clytia/pseuds/Clytia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo is a math genius and possible sociopath, who needs someone to light a fire in his life. Chanyeol just appears trying to save a kitten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kittens, pills and biting ducks

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings** : triggering themes as suicidal thoughts, attempts and self-harm.
> 
> This is a spin off to Mission: Save the Chick (Krisho). You don't have to read it but you might catch some inside jokes.
> 
> 12/11/2016 Update: Corrected some grammar mistakes.

 

Being honest, Kyungsoo feels like he hates everyone. He is starting to think that he might be a sociopath, and that is a serious problem. He doesn’t want to end up with no friends, not that he has many _now_. At least his neighbor Jongin puts up with him or to tell the truth, Jongin’s dogs. He hates dogs, but hey, they are always happy to see him and he can easily trick them to leave with a fetch game, where he disappears right after he throws a ball or a stick or his shoe, or something.

Truth is, that he feels like he is between idiots. He is a math major, and very good at his subject. He was nationally first on math, and a child prodigy from age five with an IQ that reached 155 in adolescent and keeps going up, but now he wants more. Einstein had 160 and Kyungsoo’s goal is at least 170. His psychologist blames his hatred for others to his high IQ too, but tells him that it’s up to him to open up to people and make friends. Kyungsoo can only do that when he drinks and he thinks it’s because he fries brain cells. He can interact with people only when he has burned brain cells, otherwise everyone is too much of an idiot and he can’t.stand.idiots. Usually the idiots end up crying or leaving in a hurry when he confronts them. One time he _did end up_ with a black eye, but only idiots use violence.

He just can’t help saying his thoughts out loud.

And he just can’t help but feel lonely some times.

Kyungsoo might or might not be depressed and this is all he thinks at night when he is curled up to his bed trying to sleep, but his brain just doesn’t let him.

Maybe he hates everyone because he can’t sleep too.

 

Kyungsoo never tells about his insomnia to anyone. Not his family nor his doctor, because he knows that smarter people tend to need more hours until they manage to fall asleep.

The problem is that he barely sleeps enough hours to function. But of course he functions, he is a genius after all, and he can still solve all the problems in class, only that one time he appeared with no shoes in physics and his shirt was turned inside out too.

Still, he doesn't want to take sleeping pills. Sleeping pills will affect him and he might turn into an idiot too. Plus, he knows that geniuses tend to get addicted on drugs and alcohol easily, exactly because it’s the only way to manage the world around them and make them feel _normal_. He doesn't want to end up an addict and he knows that with sleeping pills in his nightstand, he might end up not waking up again.

And he is terrified by this thought.

 

Kyungsoo likes to walk around the campus park, because it is somehow relaxing listening to all these voices but at the same time not being able to focus on none. And the sun in his face is nice even though he knows that he is exposed to possible skin cancer. But he does not care. It feels warm and Kyungsoo craves for warmth. It almost makes him want to sleep and oh god, he needs to sleep so badly, he just wants to not feel tired anymore.

That was until he heard a voice directed at him. And it came from up.

_Up?_

Is it God?

Kyungsoo looks upwards and gasps.

“Have you lost your damn  _mind_!? what the hell are you doing up in a tree? Come off it right now!”

“I can’t!” a boy sobs from up there. All Kyungsoo can see is a lanky boy with red-ish hair, hugging one of the tallest branches of the biggest oak tree in campus. 

“What do you mean you can’t, you idiot!” he shouts, “Climb down like you climbed up!” 

“I told you I can’t!” the boy whimpers. “I tried to save a kitten, but just when I reached it the mom arrived and took it! And she scratched me too!”

Kyungsoo doesn't know if he wants to laugh of slap himself. Probably the second.

“Okay, wait a minute, I’m coming for you,” he replies after a while.

“Really?” the boy retorts. 

“Yes, I’m good at climbing, just wait right there and I will help you.”

“Oh my god, thank you so much, uhm what’s your name?”

“It’s Kyungsoo,” he says as he starts climbing, thinking that this is the biggest mistake in his life and that he has no obligation to save a stranger. He grunts.

When he finally reaches the boy, he can see that it’s an odd creature with long limps, huge eyes and huge ears, and he has the thought that maybe a fairy tricked him to climb a tree and kill him. 

“Hi,” the boy says sheepishly. 

Kyungsoo judges him with his eyes and does not try to hide it. “Step on this branch right here,” he instructs “and….WAAA….!!!”

The branch breaks under his feet and he would have fallen to the ground if the giant boy didn’t grab his arm. 

“Thank you,” his heart is beating like crazy and he doesn’t even notice that the boy hasn’t left his hand yet, looking at him like a lost puppy.

Kyungsoo measures the situation. 

“We can’t climb down,” he concludes. “That branch was the only way down.”

“What do we do?” the elf-looking boy gulps beside him. 

“We wait for the fire department to get us down,” Kyungsoo states. “And after that I'll kill you.” 

The boy just smiles stupidly at him like he did not hear what Kyungsoo just told him. “I am Chanyeol by the way.”

 

Being rescued by a fireman is so embarrassing that Kyungsoo wants to physically hit Chanyeol, but only idiots use violence.

He glares at him instead and Chanyeol looks at him with his huge naive eyes, blinks a few times and then smiles with a set of teeth that could blind him as if he looked directly to the sun.

Kyungsoo does _not_ like him.

“Wow, that was close,” the other boy laughs and pats Kyungsoo on the shoulder. “Thank you for trying to rescue me!”

Kyungsoo doesn't respond back and turns his back to leave for his dorm. He had enough.

“Are you mad at me?”

He stops his footsteps and turns to face the boy. One thing people should know is that Kyungsoo always answers a question once asked and does not involve personal information. Which is not always good.

“Am I mad at you?” he says and his voiced is raised. “What kind of an idiot climbs a tree to save a kitten? Cats can climb better than humans, even a kid knows that! You ar-”

“Oh, you’re worried about me?” Chanyeol says with excitement and Kyungsoo widens his eyes, because _no,_ the only thing he does not do is worry for the idiot. “Because I am fine, look the bleeding is starting to stop!”

“You’re bleeding?!”

“Um, yes, I told you that the mother cat scratch me! But I am fine!” a genial smile decorates his face and Kyungsoo wants to punch him.

Instead he furrows his eyebrows and comes closer to the idiot who doesn’t even raise his sleeves but there is blood on them and in the end there is a wound showing. It’s still bleeding and it’s deep and honesty Chanyeol looks like he cut himself with a razor.

“Do you not have a brain or do you live in a cave?” Kyungsoo screeches. “You need to go to the hospital, was the fireman who saved us an idiot and didn't notice?!”

“It’s fine I don’t-”

“Don’t make me kill you,” Kyungsoo threatens with a raised finger at the taller boy and Chanyeol nods quietly, the first signs of pain obvious in his face.

Fucking idiot people, dying from blood loss in Kyungsoo’s arms.

 

Kyungsoo is curled up in his bed trying to sleep _again._ His thoughts this time are not about math problems and equations, but about a tall lanky boy, with awkward limps, whom he delivered to the hospital his morning. Even though Chanyeol looked at him with puppy eyes, Kyungsoo is a genius and does not fall for such tricks, so he left with an excuse that he had class to attend. Chanyeol nodded, obviously disappointed which made Kyungsoo feel weird, because he rarely sees someone looking at him like that. _Disappointed to watch him leave…_

Kyungsoo sighs.

Chanyeol was obviously an idiot and he does not deserve to occupy Kyungsoo’s precious thoughts and deprive him of sleep.

Kyungsoo last thought is that he hopes that Chanyeol still has both his arms. Life for an idiot with one hand must be rough.

 

Chanyeol appears the next morning at class. Kyungsoo looks at him suspiciously because he has never seen him at _his class_ before and even though he is not the most social person out there, he _never_ forgets a face.

“What are you doing here?” he whispers while they all wait for the professor to come. Chanyeol smiles at him like he doesn’t think that sitting right next to Kyungsoo- no one ever sits next to Kyungsoo- is weird.

“Are you a stalker?”

Chanyeol laughs more loudly than Kyungsoo would like and he can see that people are starting to look at them. “No, I am not! I missed the first semester due to some personal issues and I came to campus about a week ago.”

Kyungsoo looks at him skeptically. “This is an advanced lesson, are you sure that you are in the right one? Especially if you lost last semester, how are you going to-”

“Oh, I am good at math” Chanyeol interrupts him with is deep voice and Kyungsoo is even more confused.

Firstly he hates being interrupted, and secondly how can this idiot take this class, there is no way he can keep up with the rhythms, especially if he lost the last semester. Of course for Kyungsoo it’s a piece of cake.

 

Chanyeol proves to be good at math.

Okay, very good. Good enough to make Kyungsoo impressed. Kyungsoo is speechless, usually he is the first one to raise his hand up to a question and now… _now he got competition?_ He just can’t believe it. _No one can be better than me_ , he thinks as he closes his books loudly and tries to not show his irritation at the boy who _stole_ the opportunity to answer the last question from him.

And the Not idiot Idiot, has the audacity to smile at him! Literally smile at him, like he expects Kyungsoo to congratulate him and praise him!

_Never!_

Things go wild when Chanyeol follows him to the cafeteria, where Kyungsoo usually goes and eats _alone_ and sits _by him. By him!_

Kyungsoo tries to make him understand that he does not want his company by glaring, but Chanyeol is too occupied with his sandwich to notice. Kyungsoo decides that they can just ignore each other and starts munching slowly his own food when suddenly, there is a palm by his cheek and a smiling Chanyeol touches _his_ lips and laughs.

“You’ve got a crumble,” he says amused and laughs at the wide eyed Kyungsoo who-

Bites him.

“Ah!” he retreats his hand quickly and looks at it to check if he was bleeding. “Why did you do that!” Chanyeol yells and Kyungsoo growls.

“Don’t.touch.me,” Kyungsoo says slowly with a deadly voice and Chanyeol for once looks scared and self-conscious. His face relaxes after a while and he nods.

“Sorry. I should have asked,” he replies with obvious regret. “I won’t do it next time.”

“What next time?” Kyungsoo yells but Chanyeol is still beside him, eating his lunch slowly. Kyungsoo swears that he can see him smiling in secret.

 

Chanyeol follows him around campus for more than a month and Kyungsoo starts to feel… something. Something between irritation because he wants to kill the boy and actually starting to care about him, because he is certain than Chanyeol would be dead without him.

Like when he was almost hit by a car trying to avoid a bird (fear of birds indicate that the other is an idiot by Kyungsoo standards) or when he tried to climb some wall to pick a pink flower he saw. Kyungsoo never expected to see Chanyeol falling right in front of him, like some sort of fallen angel, with hair full of flower petals and eyes that started to form tears from the impact. He was almost _cute_.

At least Chanyeol’s roommate tried to take care of the boy too, but Yifan was another idiot. He was almost killed by a motorcycle trying to save a duck, a very Chanyeol thing to do and Kyungsoo wondered how he ended up with them.

At least now he’s having two friends _and_ the thought that he might be a sadist because he likes to see Chanyeol in pain. Not real pain of course, he just finds it amusing when the taller boy pretends to be hurt, while he knows that Chanyeol is the happiest person he has ever come across in his life.

Chanyeol makes him feel something, something that starts to shyly light fires in his chest and makes him feel a bit warmer.

But while he is less lonely, Kyungsoo continues being unable to sleep enough, his thoughts now about how idiotic Chanyeol and Yifan are –but mostly Chanyeol- and how Chanyeol is always smiling, but sometimes he seems sad and how the duck they saved actually looks like him –and named after him- and while he played it off offended, he was actually happy to see Chanyeol kiss the duck’s head and the duck attacking him merciless.

For once he found himself laughing genuinely.

But still he can’t sleep.

And he is so tired.

 

Chanyeol tried to convince him to come to his and Yifan’s party but Kyungsoo declined more politely than he would normally have.

“Chanyeol, many people gathering in a party is not my cup of tea.”

“But Kyungsooo-” the taller boy whined.

“I am not comfortable with many people around me!” Kyungsoo retorts loudly and he can see Chanyeol making this face, not the puppy eyes one he normally uses, but the more serious one, the one he has when he is thinking.

And honestly, Chanyeol is way smarter than Kyungsoo originally thought. Chanyeol is a genius too, in his own way and specifically in music. Being good at music usually means being good at math. And while Chanyeol could not reach Kyungsoo’s level at math and science –no one can-, he was an absolute prodigy at music.

He could play the piano perfectly at the age of three. By the age of five he could play the violin better than professional players. By the age of eleven, he could play any instrument he could touch and his compositions won awards. He was described as a young Mozart, but he told Kyungsoo that he didn't like the title, he just thinks that he has extremely large ears and that’s the cause of his talent. Kyungsoo liked that, because Mozart was estimated to have an IQ of 165 and Chanyeol _can’t_ be that smart. He hopes. Because if Chanyeol thinks that his secret weapon are his big ears, he is truly an idiot.

Kyungsoo found out about all of this when he heard Chanyeol playing the guitar by accident, when he passed in front of a music room at campus. He didn't make his presence known, but his breath was taken. The song Chanyeol was playing, one he had never heard before, was _perfect._ Musically, rhythmically, mathematically perfect.

Kyungsoo could see diagrams and shapes around his head while he listened to the song and he felt like he could solve the equation of the universe.

When he was alone with Yifan later that day, he mentioned that he heard Chanyeol playing and Yifan casually said that Chanyeol was a music prodigy. Kyungsoo was surprised and Yifan asked him how he didn't know what Chanyeol’s major was and by the non-existent answer he added that he thought that they knew each other better, how Kyungsoo could have missed that?

The same evening, Kyungsoo felt extremely guilty and bad for not knowing when he confirmed what Yifan told him about Chanyeol on the internet.

How could _he_ , Kyungsoo, _a genius_ , miss such a major thing? 

 

Duck-sitting is a no for Kyungsoo.

He doesn’t like ducks or any other animal, but Chanyeol insists that the duck needs a sitter while he will be occupied by the party and Kyungsoo is the only one of his friends to not come to the event.

Kyungsoo thinks that Chanyeol tries to make him come by guilt trip him, but Kyungsoo doesn’t want to. He feels so tired lately and the pills in his drawer –the ones his doctor gave him after he confessed his insomnia problem- are inviting him more and more day by day and he really wants to try them. Really wants to try all of them.

To count them and then one by one swallow them all. The white of the box is so inviting that Kyungsoo wants to tear it to pieces.

So while he knows that ignoring his doctor’s advice is not good, he feels like he knows his limits the best. And he doesn't want to go to the party, he wants to sit home and take a decision. No ducks and no loud Chanyeol. Chanyeol pouts at his response and this time he actually seems hurt and a bit angry at him.

Kyungsoo feels guilty and the fires inside his chest start to disappear, but he is too tired to think about it twice.

 

_Knock. knock. knock….. knock._

Kyungsoo hears the rhythmic sound and he knows that it’s Chanyeol, his signature knock sounding like a buzz in his ears.

Kyungsoo doesn't want to open the door because he knows he’s not well.

But he does.

Because maybe he needs help.

“Please don’t kill me, but I brought the duck-” Chanyeol pauses when he sees Kyungsoo. “Kyungsoo?” he enters the room. “Kyungsoo are you okay?” Chanyeol places his palms on Kyungsoo’s cheeks and tries to make the other boy focus on his eyes. “Look at me. Can you do that?”

Kyungsoo feels dizzy, the world is fuzzy and no, he can’t focus, but something draws him out of his mind and finally he can only see a pair of beautiful warm brown eyes staring at him with worry written all over them.

“Kyungsoo?”

“Yes?”

Chanyeol manhandles him and makes him sit of his bed. “Kyungsoo did you take something?”

Kyungsoo blinks, because he can’t think, he doesn’t know what Chanyeol is talking about, he just knows that Chanyeol is in his room and he is holding him, and oh, it’s so warm…

“Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol says more loudly this time and it’s the first time he uses that tone on him.

“Don’t you dare sleep,” he says and shakes the smaller boy. “Kyungsoo, focus on me, did you take something? Any pills?”

_Pills?_

Kyungsoo feels his head hurting and tries to form some words, but his mouth is dry.

“Yes.. I-” he can see Chanyeol’s eyes get twice their size. “I just wanted to sleep,” he manages to say. “I haven’t slept for days. I just want to sleep,” he sobs and he can feel tears dropping on his cheeks and Chanyeol gasping in front of him and letting him fall into his bed while he furiously looks for something. Eventually he finds it on the floor, shakes it and turns to face him.

“Fuck, Kyungsoo, how many did you -?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t manage to hear the end of it as his world turns black.

 

He wakes up with a terrible headache and a bright white light that makes him blind for a second. Is he dead?

There is a face above him but he can’t focus on it. Eventually he recognizes it by the ears. “Chanyeol?” he grunts and something squishes his hand.

“Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol whispers with a raspy voice and his eyes are red, which makes Kyungsoo wonder if he had been crying. He could not imagine what can make Chanyeol cry.

“He woke up,” he hears Chanyeol saying to a nurse and he feels his friend’s palm trying to leave his own, but he holds it more persistently. “Don’t…” his voice is barely sounding. “Don’t leave,” he manages to say and Chanyeol looks like he wants to cry again and Kyungsoo feels a lump on his throat.

“I’m sorry,” he says with his raspy voice and he really needs water but he can’t see his friend crying. “I just… I was not thinking, I am sorry…”

Chanyeol reaches down to hug Kyungsoo while he makes a wailing sound and Kyungsoo can feel the sobs shaking his friend’s body. “Sorry,” he repeats. “And sorry about your party. I ruined it.”

Chanyeol raises his head from Kyungsoo’s shoulder and looks at him. “Thank god I came by. Kyungsoo you would have died. Why didn’t you say something, I-“

“I didn’t feel comfortable telling you,” Kyungsoo interrupts and regrets it immediately. Chanyeol looks devastated. “I mean… I didn’t think someone would care. I just couldn’t sleep, it was not a huge deal.”

“It is a _huge_ deal. Kyungsoo, please, promise to never do that again,” Chanyeol sounds terrified and Kyungsoo’s heart is clenching. “Promise me.”

“I…”

“Promise me and when we get home, I will show you something. A secret. Please.”

Kyungsoo does not believe in promises but he does it because he secretly hopes to keep it.

 

Kyungsoo leaves the hospital the next day after his doctor and his psychologist came to an agreement about treating his insomnia which led to having such an unclear state of mind that led him to a manic-depression episode. His parents were informed and they would arrive the next day at campus to see him and decide the best treatment for him.

Kyungsoo felt so embarrassed but Chanyeol currently opens his dorm door and leads him in. Kyungsoo doesn't speak, not wanting to break the silence. Chanyeol places him on the bed and finds a set of pajamas on a drawer. He gives them to him.

“Go change and get ready to sleep.”

“It’s still 11 in the morning.”

“You didn’t sleep in the hospital, don’t try to fool me like you did with your doctor, I know you.” His tone is so serious that Kyungsoo gulps and takes the pajamas without another word.

When he gets out of the bathroom, the window curtain is closed and Chanyeol has made his room ready for someone to sleep on.

“I putted a sign on you door to not disturb.”

“Why do you wear pajamas too? Where did you find them?”

“I had Yifan bring them over for me. I thought about staying too.”

“I don’t need a baby-sitter-”

“You **will** sleep and I will make sure of that. And when you wake up, I will tell you a secret.”

“What secret?”

Chanyeol looked at him with an unreadable expression.

“The one I promised to tell you and in exchange that you will not do _this_ again.”

Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows at his friend who proceeds to get on _his_ bed and look at him like he waits for him to go and lay beside him.

“Get on the bed.”

“Why are you-”

“Kyungsoo, now,” his voice commanding.

Kyungsoo feels slightly shocked but makes a step and finally lays beside his friend with his back turned on him. Chanyeol then moves and hugs him from behind.

“What-?”

“Shut up,” he mumbles and breathes loudly near Kyungsoo's neck. “Relax.”

Kyungsoo exhales and tries not to think that Chanyeol is hugging him from behind, because the thought makes him shudder a bit.

“You squirm a lot,” Chanyeol notices. “Are you feeling hot?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to answer but he knows that this feels good.

“Don’t let me,” Kyungsoo interrupts. “I… I like the warmth.”

Chanyeol humbles and kisses the back of his head. “Good. Because I like this. Cuddling with you is nice. So squishy.”

“Hey,” Kyungsoo chuckles and joins their fingers together feeling already his eyelids dropping and a nice doze off in his head.

Chanyeol chuckles too and manages to press him even closer. “Sleep well.”

Kyungsoo smiles closing his eyes, a delicious warmth engulfing his body.

 

When he wakes up it's night outside. He checks his phone saying it's 1AM and he wonders how he could sleep that much. He doesn’t feel Chanyeol’s body behind him anymore and he feels a bit disappointed, but in that moment the bathroom door is opened and Chanyeol gets out with funny looking hair.

“Did I wake you up?” he asks worryingly.

“Uhm, I don’t think so,” Kyungsoo responds and tries to raise his body which feels stiff, but oddly relaxed at the same time. He feels _so good_.

Chanyeol hums and smiles a little. “How do you feel?”

“So good,” Kyungsoo moans as he stretches and suddenly he feels a bit embarrassed, but Chanyeol doesn't seem to notice. He just reaches him and pets his hair, something that usually would earn him a bite or a scolding look, but right now Kyungsoo craves for his touch. Chanyeol can lit up fires inside him, he makes him warm and right now he does not want to fight it, he wants to embrace it.

Chanyeol has a smile on, his sweet one.

“Your parents called, they will be here in about four hours.”

Kyungsoo feels his heart clenching and suddenly he feels sad. He doesn’t have an ideal relationship with his parents, but he doesn't want to disappoint them.

“Hey, are you okay?” Chanyeol suddenly sits by him in his bed and Kyungsoo sighs.

“I… I just think that my parents coming will be too stressful for me,” he admits.

“Your parents care about you.”

“Of course they do. But we don’t get along very well and I know that they will be disappointed-”

“Kyungsoo, they will not be disappointed. They love you and they are going to be worried.”

“I don’t want them to worry.”

Chanyeol doesn't respond for a while.

“You should accept that your family and close friends will always be worried about you. Because we care about you.”

The 'we' that he used makes Kyungsoo shudder and he shakes his head.

“And you are not a disappointment,” he continues, “and I know that it’s difficult for you to share your feelings, but Kyungsoo, just go and give them a hug, they need it.”

Chanyeol lightly touches his shoulder and Kyungsoo can only nod.

“My aunt committed suicide too,” Chanyeol says right after and Kyungsoo turns to look at his friend with obvious surprise. He can easily see the emotional state that he's in. Chanyeol seems wrecked.

“My aunt-” his voice cracks a bit, but he continues, “my aunt was the one who discovered me in a way. She gave me my first fake piano toy,” he chuckles but Kyungsoo can see his eyes watering and he reaches for his friend’s hand.

“My family was not so wealthy,” he continues. “Not wealthy enough for me to go to college, I am here with a scholarship now and the money I made from competitions. Most of the money I earned as a kid got lost in family debts and bills, but I am glad I got to help my parents, they faced many difficulties. My aunt was a musician too and she taught me the piano. She was the one who recognized that I had a talent for it. So, she got me a real piano. And then a violin. And then more instruments, until all my life was surrounded by them." Chanyeol paused for a second, his eyes lost in memory.

"She was very sweet and beautiful you know? She had amazing poofy hair and we had the same eyes. Actually, I looked more like her son than my mom’s, people always said that and it made me so happy that I looked like her. And her voice was amazing too, I don’t know how she ended up just a piano teacher. Honestly, she had the whole idol package, but I guess she never wanted this life.

Basically we were best friends, my mom-” Chanyeol paused to take a breath which sounded more like a sight “–my mom was sick, that’s why we had problems with money, and my aunt was there for me, so yeah, you understand why she was so important to me.”

“I'm sorry.”

Chanyeol smiled a little but it seemed pained.

“When I was fifteen my aunt committed suicide. I won’t tell the details, but for me it came out of the blue. I never noticed anything and my aunt was always so happy, I didn’t understand… But for some reason my mom looked like she knew. She was devastated but she looked like she knew that my aunt had some kind of problem and I hated her for that, for not telling me, because I felt that maybe I could have helped her. I…

I started to hate my life. I stopped playing because every time I saw notes I had the urge to cry and I… could not sleep because I kept seeing her in my nightmares. And even when I slept, I was always so tired, like I did not slept at all. You know right?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo breathed.

“So, obviously I was a depressed teenager with a sick mother and a dead aunt who was more of a mother to me. My sister had just left our home, I accused her for leaving, but now I realize that I would do the same. And my dad just tried his best, he drunk a bit more than we would like, but that was it. And I felt so tired that I…

I needed to feel alive in some way? Do you understand? I felt… numb? Was I trying to protect myself to not get hurt again? I don’t know. But sometimes I just needed to feel something because it was too much and I…”

Chanyeol raised his sleeves and Kyungsoo instantly reaches for his arms, gaping at the sight.

“What-”

Chanyeol chuckles “Your eyes are huge, be careful not to pop them out,” he teases him but his voice sounds weird.

“Chanyeol, why-”

“It was the only way to feel something? I don’t know. I just got hurt one time by accident and then I got addicted to it I guess. I continued doing it especially after my mother died. Don’t misunderstand, I did not want to die. I mean, I don’t think you wanted to die, right?”

Kyungsoo nods.

“Well, I just wanted to feel alive a bit. And sleep normally. Every time I did it, after the adrenalin wore off, I felt so tired in the good way that I slept like a baby. Plus, after I done it, I could finally play some music. I liked how my arms hurt when I did that. It was like a drug to me. And of course I kept doing that, until one day I had to screw up and cut too hard.

For some reason I did not care. I was not like, 'oh I cut my self too hard, I should go to the hospital', I was like, 'oh I don’t care, finally I will get out of this circle.'"

Kyungsoo lightly touched Chanyeol's hand. Chanyeol gave him a small smile. 

"This happened last year," he continued. "My dad found me and I got to the hospital the same way you did. And I was diagnosed with depression. I remembered that I found it weird. I don’t know, but when you feel it you don’t think about it that much. It’s your reality, and you just say that you have another bad day, but the truth is that every day is a bad day. Only now I realize the state I was in, from the songs that I wrote when I was like this. Anyways, my family was too fucked up and depressed to let me go back there, so I ended up in a sanitarium.”

Kyungsoo knows that his face shows his shock, but he can’t help it.

“Yep. I was in an asylum, helping center, call it whatever you like,” he chuckled. “The first days were rough, but uhm, I made some friends there and at some point I actually started to feel better. I guess being away from home was good for me, I had too many painful memories there. I decided that my family needed to get out of that house too. So I worked hard and sold some compositions and made some appearances, so that I could save up money to buy them a new home. I actually brought a huge house in this town for my dad, but I wanted to stay here in the dorms."

"That's... amazing," Kyungsoo says, stunned. Chanyeol smiles. He really worked hard. 

Have I told you that I have a contract with a record company?”

“What? No!”

“Well, I have to fulfil my duties after I finish college, but I have already recorded three unreleased albums and I got some money from them, because they called them 'ingenious'," Chanyeol laughs loudly and Kyungsoo can see that his mood is good again, “and I think I have taken a good path in my life. I am happy now. I solved my problems that I had inside my head, with my aunt, my family and myself. I mean... I still feel hurt, but I realize that there so many things that you can give to the world... that I want to _live_. And I'm sure my aunt would want me to be happy. She killed a part of me too the day she killed herself and she killed a part of all the people who loved her. I… can’t forgive her, but I want to continue living the way she would want me to."

Kyungsoo nodded. "That's a good way to go on with your life," he admitted. "I'm happy for you."

Chanyeol smiled. "Same for you. Kyungsoo, you can give,  _so_ _much_. You give me,  _so_ much,” he whispers and Kyungsoo feels tears gathering in his eyes. "And, I am pretty sure that you will solve every equation there is and find a way to save us all from destruction. Maybe you will find aliens. And then save us from them. Oh! You can even revive dinosaurs and we can have a real Jurassic park!”

Kyungsoo laughs. “This is a terrible idea!” he says. “But I hope I will,” he pauses. “Actually, you said it. I didn’t mean to kill myself, I just wanted to sleep and I couldn't think clearly. You know that I have a big image for myself.”

Chanyeol laughs again. “Yes I know! You think that everyone around you are idiots! I can hear you thinking sometimes, you know, and it’s scary!”

Kyungsoo doesn't feel hurt by the words, he just smiles again and lays on the bed with Chanyeol following after him. This time they are on their sides, facing each other with a comfortable silence between them.

And Chanyeol might lean in to kiss him after some staring. And Kyungsoo might like it a bit. Okay, a lot. Chanyeol’s lips are soft and warm and the fires inside Kyungsoo are now bigger than ever as they warm him up from head to toe and they make him relax in Chanyeol arms. _He likes this._

Maybe- just maybe, the idiot made him realize that he was blind, but now he has fire behind his eyes.

Maybe his problems are not solved yet, but at least now he feels that he has the power to face them. 

 

_The end_

**Author's Note:**

> People with high IQs are more likely to feel depressed and tend to form bonds with other people more difficulty. I tried to present Kyungsoo like this, but of course I am not a genius like him in this story and my knowledge about how he feels come from tv series, literature books and some research I made in the web. Fictional characters like Sherlock Homls, Dr. House, Tyrion Lannister, Sheldon, etc popped to mind and gave me some inspiration. Chanyeol is Kyungsoo’s Dr. Watchon I guess.
> 
> Disclaimer: Mild depression is not a stranger to me but in no way do I suffer from the illness the way Chanyeol and Kyungsoo do in this fic. The fic was rushed, I wish I could expand the themes more and represent their struggles in a better way. I tried to show that love does not cure but it helps and that people who struggle with depression can find love and lead fulfilling lives. Depression cannot take this away from you. 
> 
> Anyways, the point is that I am not an expert and that if I portrayed mental illness unrealistically then it is entirely my fault. If you have an opinion on it regarding this fic, I would love to hear it, learning and improving is something I'll always pursue.


End file.
